When I was a kid, something happened that I still remember.
Maybe kid is the wrong word — I was in 9th grade, so not exactly small and cuddly but not really an adult either. Was just learning how to deal with the idea that the world is full of all sorts of people. Some could be nice, some could be massive dicks.
Case in point, we were at Fantasy Land — an amusement park in Mumbai. My first visit there -I was very excited.
There were 5 of us — 2 older aunts and me and my two male cousins
My two older cousins did not like the idea of babysitting me — they were a year and 2 years older and decided they would ditch me.
I remember being afraid — that I would not find my way back. I had no money, no water, I was thirsty and till today I have no sense of direction.
I also remember feeling rejected. I wanted the approval of my older cousins, and here they were, running away.
I am not built for anger. I knew even then that if I met them again, I would not be angry with them — maybe I should have been, but I was less about “Why the fuck would you do this to me and more about “how can i get people to like me?”
Time and time again I saw this pattern play out — There were kids in school that disliked me ; a kid in college who felt the same ; Thankfully, they were all in the minority — a stray example here and there. But instead of focussing on all the ones who liked me, I fretted about the ones who didn't.
All it did was reinforce that maybe the fault was something with me.Maybe I did lack social skills and was awkward and annoying, of course, so it was possibly justifiable behaviour on their part.
Or maybe I was being hyper-sensitive and everyone just had their own drama to deal with and I was reading too much into all of this.
Or maybe, as I stated before, some kids were just massive dicks!
It took a while for my personality to coalesce into what it is today. Among the people I met along the way were those who just didn’t care how many feathers they ruffled as they went about doing what they thought was right. as well as those who expected that the world should be grateful for the privelige of knowing them.
And somewhere along the way, that started to rub off. I began to move from “ How can I get you to like me?” to “It’s your fucking loss if you don’t.” It wasn’t an external facade I was putting up to heal bruised feelings — It was a genuine metamorphosis from someone who yearned to be liked, into someone who will gladly stay at home with a mountain of books instead of doing shots at a bar.
A mountain may also have contributed to that thinking ( made of mud and stone, not of books) but it's a story for another day.
It took me time to find my groove. People who know me from back then have commented on how different I seem between then and now. Maybe I was always going to turn into a grumpy anti-social person when I was older. But I suspect the catalyst for this was my life adventures in Dubai. You may want to read more about that here
I forgot about this incident completely until one day at a pool party my 8yo came to me crying. “The other children don’t` want to play with me”, he said.
That moment gave me a flashback of this memory — me standing there as my cousins ran away, ditching me. In that moment, I knew exactly how he felt -Hurt. Rejected. Alone.
But how could I fix it?
Should I have distracted him? Made him forget about them ? Probably not for eventually he would remember and it would impact his confidence and self esteem.
Left him alone to figure it out? Couldn't do that either — he had asked for my help and I wanted to give it to him.
Talked about how wonderful he was and how they were fools to reject him and to not care about it? No, because it seems shallow and made up when it comes from his parents who always think the world of him.
I settled on trying to dissect what went wrong -Maybe he did something the other kids didn't like?? Maybe he was too aggressive while playing? Whatever it was, it could help the next time around.Maybe it might have helped me when I was younger if someone told me why I couldn't seem to fit in.
It wouldn't help with the here and now.
Eventually, I asked wifey. She walked up to the remaining kids and spoke to them to figure out what was wrong. It seemed like a misunderstanding. A couple of the girls wanted to play soemthing else, a couple of the boys wanted to do what the girls were doing and suddenly my kid was the only one who wasn't part of the game. He wasn't being excluded — they just didn't tell him explicitly to join the new game. And with him displaying all the insecurities I had as a kid, he wouldn’t join unless someone actually invited him.
We facilitated his return to the group, and they all played happily after for another couple of hours.
I am left feeling vaguely unsatisfied. Like I should have done more. It’s hard to watch as they struggle through life, dealing with emotions that they haven't fully learnt how to handle.
So part of the reason for this blog post is for me to articulate my thoughts on that day. And I’m hoping that it serves as a blueprint of some sort.
How to resolve conflict (by taking the bull by the horns)
How to deal with rejection (by analysing what went wrong and acknowledging it’s not always your fault)
And if all else fails …by accepting that some people will always be massive dicks!!
Comments
Post a Comment